Why Won’t Sleep Love Me Back?

Another 3:30am start. Again.

This time, it wasn’t anxiety or a loud noise—just my brain deciding, “Nope, we’re awake now.” On the bright side, I did finally get the WordPress app working again. That little tech win actually lifted my spirits.

I moved over to the travel trailer to start packing and writing my checklist. I wanted to hit the road mid-afternoon so I could get to my destination before dark. Spoiler: I didn’t.

In true ADHD fashion (and I say this with love), I got distracted. By a squirrel. Literally. It triggered my security cam and set off the light. No joke, no metaphor—just an actual squirrel doing squirrel things.

Tried to go back to bed. Sleep laughed in my face. I might’ve dozed off for 20 minutes before 7:30am rolled around and I gave up.

The day itself was a blur. I wasn’t in a bad mood, but my body kept dropping random waves of nausea. Fun! I slowed everything down and just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

I finally made it to my new spot at 8:20pm. Didn’t bother with full hookups—just plugged in, cleared some space, grabbed a quick shower… and then? Cocktail time. I cracked open the fruity rum I made weeks ago. It aged perfectly.

The funny part? It felt warmer there even though the temperature was exactly the same. Maybe it’s the anticipation of the next seven days being a lot. Or maybe it’s just my body refusing to cooperate again.

It’s past midnight. I’ve been awake for 20 hours. Still not tired.

When Everything Feels Off

Another rough night. Same 3am wake-up, even though I took a Xanax at 10pm thinking it might help me finally get a full night’s sleep. Nope. That disappointing mix of tired and wired is really getting old.

I think the letdown from yet another person flaking on helping with the well hit harder than I expected. You’d think I’d be used to this by now — the “I’ll help!” followed by radio silence. But here we are.

Hard to say whether it’s the sleep deprivation or the constant stream of setbacks dragging my mood down. Probably both. Either way, I didn’t have time to sit in it. I took my meds, cranked up some music, and tried to shake it off.

One upside to being awake so early — I got to test the security cam and lights I repositioned. They mostly worked! The motion sensor needs tweaking, but I left the ladder out, so I’ll adjust it next time I’m over there.

Still, I was off all day. No motivation. Just mentally drained. I know it’s partly because I haven’t had time to be creative lately. That fog creeps in when emotions pile up without somewhere to go. Feels like I’ve got static in my head that blocks everything else.

Another realization hit me too — I have zero body awareness. I’ve got friends who can tell if a supplement is working after a couple days. Others tweak their diets and actually feel the difference. Meanwhile, I’m just like… Is this tired? Anxiety? Hormones? All of the above? It’s like I grew up so focused on other people’s emotions that I never learned to listen to my own body. Even now, it’s hard to connect the dots.

By 3pm, I’d managed to shake the funk a little. Couldn’t do the things I needed to do, but I did manage to install the AC unit — and tested it with the generator. Good news: it works and doesn’t trip anything. So, while I don’t need it yet, at least I know it’s ready.

Bad news: I slammed my thumb in a window during that little win. It hurt. A lot. Definitely woke me up.

As if that wasn’t enough chaos, the app I use to update this blog suddenly stopped connecting to my host. I spiraled a bit — because if you know anything about ADHD, you know our systems are everything. That app was working for me. It helped me stay consistent. Any change to that system = instant brain meltdown.

I panicked. Then I dwelled. Then I caved and contacted support. Turns out, it’s not the app or the host. It’s my ISP (thanks Elon… snorts). At least I figured that out. It’s not a fix yet, but it’s not a total disaster either.

Just when I was finally ready to let the day go, I saw two deer at the end of my driveway. They’d tripped the security light but didn’t seem bothered by me at all. One bounded off as soon as I opened the truck door. The other paused at the tree line and just watched me for a while.

It was kind of magical — like the universe saying, “Hey, today was messy… but here’s this.”

Not the win I wanted. But not the end of the world either.

260lbs of Nope!

Woke up around 6:30am. Neck’s doing a bit better — not quite pain-free, but the painkillers are still doing their job. Progress, right?

Started the morning with my usual background noise: NPR, Reuters, and BBC headline podcasts. It’s part habit, part grounding. Keeps me feeling connected, even out here.

I finally pulled together the shopping list for the parts I need to hook the well up to the generator. Planning to grab everything tomorrow since… well, today got away from me.

First real task of the day: started mounding dirt around the potato plants. It’s one of those simple, earthy chores that feels kinda meditative. Slow and satisfying.

Had plans with the GOM and his dog, but I cancelled. There’s just too much to handle before my trip, and I need to keep focused. I’ll make it up to him next week — maybe with some of that flatbread I made later.

Speaking of productivity: built another cart today!
Still haven’t figured out how to move the big generator onto one though… that beast weighs over 260 lbs. I’ve got an idea, but honestly? I think I’ll just wait and ask the guy helping with the well to lend a hand. Sometimes the smart move is knowing when not to do it solo.

Good news though — the generator’s filled with oil.
Tomorrow I’ll give it a test run so it’s ready for a proper trial this weekend. Fingers crossed nothing explodes.

In fun news: my new Bluetooth speaker arrived and holy hell — it’s LOUD.
Like, “drown out the brain noise” loud. Which, for me, is kind of a big deal. Haven’t tested it outside yet, but I’ll keep it respectful. I want to see how far Happy House EDM travels before I turn the woods into a forest rave.

Dating update? Ugh. The guy I was chatting to gave me the ick. He suggested we meet halfway — about a 50-mile drive — just for coffee and cake. And yeah, I know that sounds harmless, but it felt lazy. No energy. No real interest.
Not the kind of vibe I want to set a precedent for.

Wildlife sighting of the day: pretty sure I saw a grey fox!
Could’ve been a coyote, but this one looked leaner, sleeker, almost cat-like. We had a full eye contact moment. I waved. It stared. Then wandered off like I was just background noise. About 150 yards away. Wild and unbothered. I kind of respect that energy.

Also made some flatbread dough with whole grain flour and a spice/herb mix. Haven’t baked it yet, but it smells amazing already. Might save that for tomorrow’s wind-down.

Didn’t watch anything today — the app updated and wiped all my downloads.
Not mad. It’s a free service. But it definitely left me without my usual background chill-time.

As always, Photos are on Instagram. You can also follow me on Twitter or BlueSky.