Your Host

There are 22 posts filed in Your Host (this is page 2 of 3).

Sleep-Deprived and Spiraling

Affirmation - I grow and bloom at my own pace.I’m not gonna lie, this morning hit hard.

Day two of barely any sleep and I could feel myself unraveling. I was frustrated, emotional, and tired in that way where you can’t even cry… you just sit in it. Sleep is my regulator. When it’s gone, my mood drops like a rock.

The truth? I’ve been neglecting my self-care. Not on purpose, just… there’s no time. People say “you have to make time,” but okay … what should I give up?

  • Getting water?

  • Getting power?

  • Keeping my hard-earned veggie patch alive?

  • Trying to earn something *anything* so I can keep going?

Self-care starts to feel like a luxury when survival eats your schedule.

And when I spiral, I miss him. Not because he was amazing. He wasn’t. But I liked who I was around him. I felt softer. I felt seen sometimes. Not all the time, but enough that I remember it when I’m drowning in to-do lists.

Right now, I’m in full survival mode. One more week of raw-dogging life and then maybe… just maybe… I can get a moment to breathe and reshuffle all this chaos in my head.

There was a win today, though. I made some art. A few hours where my brain quieted down. I even cooked an actual meal—with protein! Which is more than I’ve managed lately.

Note to self: get some protein bars tomorrow. I won’t have time to cook until the GOM (Guest of Mayhem? No, Grumpy Old Man) is gone. [She didn’t get the protein bars]

Tomorrow I’m heading back to the land. The plants need water.
This “favor” I agreed to? It’s costing me more than just fuel.
But… it is what it is.

Why Won’t Sleep Love Me Back?

Affirmation - I am open to new opportunities and experiencesAnother 3:30am start. Again.

This time, it wasn’t anxiety or a loud noise—just my brain deciding, “Nope, we’re awake now.” On the bright side, I did finally get the WordPress app working again. That little tech win actually lifted my spirits.

I moved over to the travel trailer to start packing and writing my checklist. I wanted to hit the road mid-afternoon so I could get to my destination before dark. Spoiler: I didn’t.

In true ADHD fashion (and I say this with love), I got distracted. By a squirrel. Literally. It triggered my security cam and set off the light. No joke, no metaphor—just an actual squirrel doing squirrel things.

Tried to go back to bed. Sleep laughed in my face. I might’ve dozed off for 20 minutes before 7:30am rolled around and I gave up.

The day itself was a blur. I wasn’t in a bad mood, but my body kept dropping random waves of nausea. Fun! I slowed everything down and just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

I finally made it to my new spot at 8:20pm. Didn’t bother with full hookups—just plugged in, cleared some space, grabbed a quick shower… and then? Cocktail time. I cracked open the fruity rum I made weeks ago. It aged perfectly.

The funny part? It felt warmer there even though the temperature was exactly the same. Maybe it’s the anticipation of the next seven days being a lot. Or maybe it’s just my body refusing to cooperate again.

It’s past midnight. I’ve been awake for 20 hours. Still not tired.

Stormy Skies, Dull Dates & Dance Parties

Happy Star Wars Day! (Yes, I said it – May the 4th be with you.)

Woke up at 3am, just before the storm rolled in. I pottered around for a couple of hours, caught in that weird space where you don’t know if it’s better to be productive or just lie there and try to rest. Today, I went with productive. Hey, at least something got done!

I finally fell back asleep around 6am and got a couple more hours in.

First mission of the day? A hot indoor shower. I usually shower outside (off-grid perks), but it was too chilly this morning. So I fired up the generator and enjoyed that sweet warm water. It wasn’t fancy, but it felt like luxury.

I’m actually loving how the mulch looks on that sandy patch in front of the 5th wheel, especially after the rain. It’s giving the land a bit more structure. Mulch is cheap at Walmart right now, so I’m grabbing more while I’m in town. One bag at a time, this place is slowly coming together.

The date? Meh. He was nice. But so painfully dull. Zero charisma. No spark. We even split the cheque, which, I don’t mind in theory, but it just gave off “not investing in this” vibes. I like to know that early, so that’s a win. No second date energy here.

I came home and crashed hard. Peopling is exhausting, especially when you’re forcing the smile.

BUT! After my nap, I hit a whole new energy level.

Cranked up my new Bluetooth speaker and had a solo hardstyle dance party. That speaker is honestly one of my favorite mental health tools right now, loud enough to drown out both the outside and inside noise. Total game-changer.

Got some washing up done, chipped away at the post-move chaos, and remembered (again) how tricky it is to keep a small space clean when you’ve got way too much stuff.

Wired and Tired

Woke up with my alarm (finally!). Took a Xanax last night to help ease the tension in my neck. It’s working, slowly but surely. Still needed some painkillers this morning, but I’ll take progress over perfection any day.

Started the morning with my usual podcast routine: BBC and Freakonomics. It’s nice to have familiar voices in the background while I get things rolling. Today’s to-do list was long: control box, wire, propane, gas, mulch, bolts for the AC unit… off-grid life doesn’t pause.

Back from town with a few victories under my belt. The control box gave me a bit of trouble, but I managed to get what I needed. Annoyingly, no one sells 10/3 wire by the foot anymore, so I had to shell out $200 for a 50 ft roll. Not ideal, but it won’t go to waste. I’ll find a use for it eventually.

The big generator? Absolute beast. Loud as anything. It needs a 6-hour run-in, so after the first hour I hooked it up to the RV (about a 30% load – gotta stay under 50%). I’ll do a quick oil change in the morning and swap it to a synthetic mix. Fingers crossed, that’ll keep it purring.

Today’s unexpected visitor: a massive wolf spider wandered out of the woods to investigate the noise. I swear it looked offended.

It’s been a long one. I’m exhausted. But I got a lot done, and every little win feels like a step forward.

Here’s to louder days and steady progress!

260lbs of Nope!

Woke up around 6:30am. Neck’s doing a bit better — not quite pain-free, but the painkillers are still doing their job. Progress, right?

Started the morning with my usual background noise: NPR, Reuters, and BBC headline podcasts. It’s part habit, part grounding. Keeps me feeling connected, even out here.

I finally pulled together the shopping list for the parts I need to hook the well up to the generator. Planning to grab everything tomorrow since… well, today got away from me.

First real task of the day: started mounding dirt around the potato plants. It’s one of those simple, earthy chores that feels kinda meditative. Slow and satisfying.

Had plans with the GOM and his dog, but I cancelled. There’s just too much to handle before my trip, and I need to keep focused. I’ll make it up to him next week — maybe with some of that flatbread I made later.

Speaking of productivity: built another cart today!
Still haven’t figured out how to move the big generator onto one though… that beast weighs over 260 lbs. I’ve got an idea, but honestly? I think I’ll just wait and ask the guy helping with the well to lend a hand. Sometimes the smart move is knowing when not to do it solo.

Good news though — the generator’s filled with oil.
Tomorrow I’ll give it a test run so it’s ready for a proper trial this weekend. Fingers crossed nothing explodes.

In fun news: my new Bluetooth speaker arrived and holy hell — it’s LOUD.
Like, “drown out the brain noise” loud. Which, for me, is kind of a big deal. Haven’t tested it outside yet, but I’ll keep it respectful. I want to see how far Happy House EDM travels before I turn the woods into a forest rave.

Dating update? Ugh. The guy I was chatting to gave me the ick. He suggested we meet halfway — about a 50-mile drive — just for coffee and cake. And yeah, I know that sounds harmless, but it felt lazy. No energy. No real interest.
Not the kind of vibe I want to set a precedent for.

Wildlife sighting of the day: pretty sure I saw a grey fox!
Could’ve been a coyote, but this one looked leaner, sleeker, almost cat-like. We had a full eye contact moment. I waved. It stared. Then wandered off like I was just background noise. About 150 yards away. Wild and unbothered. I kind of respect that energy.

Also made some flatbread dough with whole grain flour and a spice/herb mix. Haven’t baked it yet, but it smells amazing already. Might save that for tomorrow’s wind-down.

Didn’t watch anything today — the app updated and wiped all my downloads.
Not mad. It’s a free service. But it definitely left me without my usual background chill-time.