The Cost of Helping

Well, the GOM has gone.

I met every obligation I thought I had, and then some. I don’t regret helping. Truly. But I can’t do it like this again. Next time, the plan has to be different.

It didn’t go well.

We (I) had everything staged by the car, ready to load. But instead of letting me help, he tried to pack it all himself, despite his limited mobility. It took three attempts and some firm (okay, loud) words before he let me bring him each item and then pack it for him, with his guidance. That compromise only lasted 20 minutes before he was back on his feet, getting in my way and ignoring his own limitations.

It was hot. I was stressed. I bit my tongue so many times I could’ve swallowed it. I tried to stay calm. But then I stood up too quickly and something in my back ripped. A white-hot pain shot from my skull to my kidneys. I screamed. Froze. Couldn’t move.

Somehow, I got to my truck—hit a tree trying to reverse (I couldn’t twist my body)—but thankfully no damage. I shoved two more bags into the bed of the truck in silence, running on pure adrenaline. If I spoke, I’d cry. Or collapse.

Then GOM asked me to do one more thing.
“Sammy, can you just—”
“No.”

I told him I was leaving. He hugged me, on the side that hurt. I couldn’t explain. I just said “I love you” and walked away.

I was still in the RV storage area when he drove off. The way he drove made it clear—he felt slighted, like I’d abandoned him or was somehow the bad guy.

That feeling was confirmed when he didn’t check in this evening. He usually lets me know where he stops for the night. This time—nothing. No message. No thanks. No concern about my back.

I’d say it was hurtful, but honestly? I’m too numb to feel anything right now except the pain in my body. What I do feel is relief that he’s gone.

I don’t regret helping, I followed my values and did what felt right. But I’m also aware it came at a high cost to me.

This morning I woke at 5am. My back still hurts like hell, but walking is easier. I probably shouldn’t drive. But today is my last full day with water access, laundry, washing the truck and RV, all that. I should lower my expectations with this injury, but… we’ll see.

The landowners and I agreed I’ll leave my small trailer here. They’ll probably need me again soon, and it’s easier than hauling it back and forth.

I did get a couple hours in the pool and read about 15% of my book, which felt amazing. I’m staying the night since the owners aren’t back yet, and I’ll help in the morning before heading back to the land.

Sunday Sermon

Sunday Sermon is where I share interesting things I’ve stumbled on during the week—articles, ideas, or moments that made me think. This week’s topic is…

The new wave of feminism

I started thinking about this concept a couple of years ago when his sister said,

“The trick with my brother is to love him just as he is.”

At first, I felt defensive, like I was being accused of not loving him enough.
But the deeper wound?
No one would ever say that to a man about me.

She knew he was difficult.
But instead of expecting more from him, I was being asked to adjust.
To shrink.
To prove myself worthy by loving him through behavior even she wouldn’t excuse.

And I did love him.
Deeply.
I saw his flaws. I held space for them.

He once called me the “sweetest, kindest, most beautiful person he had ever met.”

But no one told him to rise to meet that version of me.

Patriarchy didn’t just protect his comfort, it asked me to lessen who I was to preserve it.

And the saddest part?
I tried.

—

Feminism today isn’t about finding balance within the broken patriarchal system, it’s about walking away from it entirely. We’re not asking men to “let” us stand beside them as equals. We’re tearing that system down at its core, building something better, and inviting them to rise to our level. We don’t want to leave them behind, but we will.

Because women are tired.
We can’t keep waiting while they sit in place.

—

He is brilliant. Sensitive. Deeply intelligent. Self-reflective, even. But he’s also been told that all those things make him “less of a man.”
And until he learns to embrace the pieces he was taught to hate…
He won’t find peace.

And as much as I love him …
I can’t wait anymore for him to start that journey.

Why Won’t Sleep Love Me Back?

Another 3:30am start. Again.

This time, it wasn’t anxiety or a loud noise—just my brain deciding, “Nope, we’re awake now.” On the bright side, I did finally get the WordPress app working again. That little tech win actually lifted my spirits.

I moved over to the travel trailer to start packing and writing my checklist. I wanted to hit the road mid-afternoon so I could get to my destination before dark. Spoiler: I didn’t.

In true ADHD fashion (and I say this with love), I got distracted. By a squirrel. Literally. It triggered my security cam and set off the light. No joke, no metaphor—just an actual squirrel doing squirrel things.

Tried to go back to bed. Sleep laughed in my face. I might’ve dozed off for 20 minutes before 7:30am rolled around and I gave up.

The day itself was a blur. I wasn’t in a bad mood, but my body kept dropping random waves of nausea. Fun! I slowed everything down and just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

I finally made it to my new spot at 8:20pm. Didn’t bother with full hookups—just plugged in, cleared some space, grabbed a quick shower… and then? Cocktail time. I cracked open the fruity rum I made weeks ago. It aged perfectly.

The funny part? It felt warmer there even though the temperature was exactly the same. Maybe it’s the anticipation of the next seven days being a lot. Or maybe it’s just my body refusing to cooperate again.

It’s past midnight. I’ve been awake for 20 hours. Still not tired.

When Everything Feels Off

Another rough night. Same 3am wake-up, even though I took a Xanax at 10pm thinking it might help me finally get a full night’s sleep. Nope. That disappointing mix of tired and wired is really getting old.

I think the letdown from yet another person flaking on helping with the well hit harder than I expected. You’d think I’d be used to this by now — the “I’ll help!” followed by radio silence. But here we are.

Hard to say whether it’s the sleep deprivation or the constant stream of setbacks dragging my mood down. Probably both. Either way, I didn’t have time to sit in it. I took my meds, cranked up some music, and tried to shake it off.

One upside to being awake so early — I got to test the security cam and lights I repositioned. They mostly worked! The motion sensor needs tweaking, but I left the ladder out, so I’ll adjust it next time I’m over there.

Still, I was off all day. No motivation. Just mentally drained. I know it’s partly because I haven’t had time to be creative lately. That fog creeps in when emotions pile up without somewhere to go. Feels like I’ve got static in my head that blocks everything else.

Another realization hit me too — I have zero body awareness. I’ve got friends who can tell if a supplement is working after a couple days. Others tweak their diets and actually feel the difference. Meanwhile, I’m just like… Is this tired? Anxiety? Hormones? All of the above? It’s like I grew up so focused on other people’s emotions that I never learned to listen to my own body. Even now, it’s hard to connect the dots.

By 3pm, I’d managed to shake the funk a little. Couldn’t do the things I needed to do, but I did manage to install the AC unit — and tested it with the generator. Good news: it works and doesn’t trip anything. So, while I don’t need it yet, at least I know it’s ready.

Bad news: I slammed my thumb in a window during that little win. It hurt. A lot. Definitely woke me up.

As if that wasn’t enough chaos, the app I use to update this blog suddenly stopped connecting to my host. I spiraled a bit — because if you know anything about ADHD, you know our systems are everything. That app was working for me. It helped me stay consistent. Any change to that system = instant brain meltdown.

I panicked. Then I dwelled. Then I caved and contacted support. Turns out, it’s not the app or the host. It’s my ISP (thanks Elon… snorts). At least I figured that out. It’s not a fix yet, but it’s not a total disaster either.

Just when I was finally ready to let the day go, I saw two deer at the end of my driveway. They’d tripped the security light but didn’t seem bothered by me at all. One bounded off as soon as I opened the truck door. The other paused at the tree line and just watched me for a while.

It was kind of magical — like the universe saying, “Hey, today was messy… but here’s this.”

Not the win I wanted. But not the end of the world either.

Potatoes Gone Wild & Disney Before Dawn

Another 3:30am wake-up. Ugh. This time, I tried something different – stayed in bed and threw on a couple of old Disney movies (Jungle Book and Dumbo). It helped a little, but I still don’t know when I drifted off. Maybe around 6? I was back up by 8. A solid 5–6 hours of sleep feels like a mythical goal right now.

So, I’ve made a decision:
No more starting my mornings with the news!

It’s just too bleak and heavy — especially you-know-who talking like people and compassion are optional. That’s not how I want to set the tone for my day. Instead, I’m switching to music in the morning. Let the news wait until mid-morning, after I’ve lifted my mood.

Today’s goal?
Tackle those annoying little jobs that keep piling up. The non-urgent-but-bothersome ones. First step: make a list. (Is there anything more satisfying than crossing things off a list?)

I started by breaking down the cardboard boxes lying around and laying them down as a weed barrier with the last of my mulch. I’ll need to grab more next time I’m in town.

Planted more radish seeds today — squeezed the last of my “Cherry Belle” seeds in between the spinach, and put the “Gourmet Blend” in the front half of Bed 3. Fingers crossed for a quick harvest before the Florida heat kicks into high gear.

The potatoes are getting way too enthusiastic — growing fast, as expected since I planted them late. I’m mounding soil around them daily, and I’m already at the top of the beds. Gonna have to get creative with that one…

Not-so-fun stuff:
The ticks are back, and they’re bad. I was hoping to wait and tidy up more before spraying, but looks like I’ll have to break the job into sections and just get on with it.

And speaking of getting on with it — I put up the new security lights at the top of the driveway. Let’s just say… it wasn’t my finest hour. It was hot, the ladder was wobbly, screws kept falling, and my patience was thin. It’s up, it’s not falling, but it’s definitely not winning any beauty contests. Still, I learned what not to do next time!

Lastly, had a guy come by to quote for lawn mowing. It’s $100 a go, every 3–4 weeks. Not cheap, and not ideal for my budget, but honestly… it’s too much for me to handle right now. Even if I had a working mower, it’s a massive job on top of everything else. He seems decent and does a couple of yards nearby, so I’m hopeful he’ll be reliable.

Stormy Skies, Dull Dates & Dance Parties

Happy Star Wars Day! (Yes, I said it – May the 4th be with you.)

Woke up at 3am, just before the storm rolled in. I pottered around for a couple of hours, caught in that weird space where you don’t know if it’s better to be productive or just lie there and try to rest. Today, I went with productive. Hey, at least something got done!

I finally fell back asleep around 6am and got a couple more hours in.

First mission of the day? A hot indoor shower. I usually shower outside (off-grid perks), but it was too chilly this morning. So I fired up the generator and enjoyed that sweet warm water. It wasn’t fancy, but it felt like luxury.

I’m actually loving how the mulch looks on that sandy patch in front of the 5th wheel, especially after the rain. It’s giving the land a bit more structure. Mulch is cheap at Walmart right now, so I’m grabbing more while I’m in town. One bag at a time, this place is slowly coming together.

The date? Meh. He was nice. But so painfully dull. Zero charisma. No spark. We even split the cheque, which, I don’t mind in theory, but it just gave off “not investing in this” vibes. I like to know that early, so that’s a win. No second date energy here.

I came home and crashed hard. Peopling is exhausting, especially when you’re forcing the smile.

BUT! After my nap, I hit a whole new energy level.

Cranked up my new Bluetooth speaker and had a solo hardstyle dance party. That speaker is honestly one of my favorite mental health tools right now, loud enough to drown out both the outside and inside noise. Total game-changer.

Got some washing up done, chipped away at the post-move chaos, and remembered (again) how tricky it is to keep a small space clean when you’ve got way too much stuff.

Low Battery Mode: Burnout, Bullet Journals & a Bit of Mulch

Today started with a familiar rumble, the big generator ran for around 9 hours on 5 gallons of gas and shut off just before 7:30am, which conveniently became my wake-up call.

My neck? Way better. Barely a twinge this morning and I think I can skip the painkillers today. Small victories, right?

But overall… I’m running on empty. No spark. I don’t know if it’s the cloudy skies or just the social drain from yesterday’s people-ing, but I’ve got that weird combination of burnout and apathy humming in the background. Motivation packed its bags and ghosted me.

So instead of pushing myself, I leaned into one of my comfort rituals: setting up my next bullet journal. It’s technically not due until July 2025, but this kind of prep work calms my mind and fills my cup. Pens, paper, layouts, it’s self-care that doesn’t feel like effort.

I did putter outside for a bit. Spread mulch over the sandy patch in front of the 5th wheel, nothing fancy, just trying to add structure to the ground over time. Later, I laid cardboard as a weed block and mulched the strip behind the veggie beds. Not urgent jobs, but doing something helped cut through the fog.

Still no word from the guy helping with the well, my friend’s husband. I hate chasing people when they’re doing me a favor, but that old familiar fear is creeping in: what if he flakes? What if I’ve counted on help that’s not coming? I’m trying not to spiral, but it’s hard not to feel let down by people who overpromise and underdeliver.

On the dating front, I brought up my concerns with the new guy, about the coffee meet-up idea that rubbed me wrong. To his credit, he responded well. Turns out he had a lunch plan all along, just didn’t communicate it well. I appreciated the honesty, and I’m meeting him tomorrow.

Still, I’m hesitant. There are lingering feelings from my last relationship, the chaos I tolerated, the peace I sacrificed. I cared about someone who never chose calm, and I ended up blaming myself for their storm. I know I can’t go back there, but part of me still grieves what could never be.

Eventually, I scrounged up a bit of motivation, found it hiding somewhere between the couch cushions and a craving for closure, and burned some yard trash. At least one small chore done.

I’ve only got two days left before my next trip. Sunday’s booked, so Monday and Wednesday are it. I’d better start making that prep list… once I remember where I left my brain.

Wired and Tired

Woke up with my alarm (finally!). Took a Xanax last night to help ease the tension in my neck. It’s working, slowly but surely. Still needed some painkillers this morning, but I’ll take progress over perfection any day.

Started the morning with my usual podcast routine: BBC and Freakonomics. It’s nice to have familiar voices in the background while I get things rolling. Today’s to-do list was long: control box, wire, propane, gas, mulch, bolts for the AC unit… off-grid life doesn’t pause.

Back from town with a few victories under my belt. The control box gave me a bit of trouble, but I managed to get what I needed. Annoyingly, no one sells 10/3 wire by the foot anymore, so I had to shell out $200 for a 50 ft roll. Not ideal, but it won’t go to waste. I’ll find a use for it eventually.

The big generator? Absolute beast. Loud as anything. It needs a 6-hour run-in, so after the first hour I hooked it up to the RV (about a 30% load – gotta stay under 50%). I’ll do a quick oil change in the morning and swap it to a synthetic mix. Fingers crossed, that’ll keep it purring.

Today’s unexpected visitor: a massive wolf spider wandered out of the woods to investigate the noise. I swear it looked offended.

It’s been a long one. I’m exhausted. But I got a lot done, and every little win feels like a step forward.

Here’s to louder days and steady progress!

260lbs of Nope!

Woke up around 6:30am. Neck’s doing a bit better — not quite pain-free, but the painkillers are still doing their job. Progress, right?

Started the morning with my usual background noise: NPR, Reuters, and BBC headline podcasts. It’s part habit, part grounding. Keeps me feeling connected, even out here.

I finally pulled together the shopping list for the parts I need to hook the well up to the generator. Planning to grab everything tomorrow since… well, today got away from me.

First real task of the day: started mounding dirt around the potato plants. It’s one of those simple, earthy chores that feels kinda meditative. Slow and satisfying.

Had plans with the GOM and his dog, but I cancelled. There’s just too much to handle before my trip, and I need to keep focused. I’ll make it up to him next week — maybe with some of that flatbread I made later.

Speaking of productivity: built another cart today!
Still haven’t figured out how to move the big generator onto one though… that beast weighs over 260 lbs. I’ve got an idea, but honestly? I think I’ll just wait and ask the guy helping with the well to lend a hand. Sometimes the smart move is knowing when not to do it solo.

Good news though — the generator’s filled with oil.
Tomorrow I’ll give it a test run so it’s ready for a proper trial this weekend. Fingers crossed nothing explodes.

In fun news: my new Bluetooth speaker arrived and holy hell — it’s LOUD.
Like, “drown out the brain noise” loud. Which, for me, is kind of a big deal. Haven’t tested it outside yet, but I’ll keep it respectful. I want to see how far Happy House EDM travels before I turn the woods into a forest rave.

Dating update? Ugh. The guy I was chatting to gave me the ick. He suggested we meet halfway — about a 50-mile drive — just for coffee and cake. And yeah, I know that sounds harmless, but it felt lazy. No energy. No real interest.
Not the kind of vibe I want to set a precedent for.

Wildlife sighting of the day: pretty sure I saw a grey fox!
Could’ve been a coyote, but this one looked leaner, sleeker, almost cat-like. We had a full eye contact moment. I waved. It stared. Then wandered off like I was just background noise. About 150 yards away. Wild and unbothered. I kind of respect that energy.

Also made some flatbread dough with whole grain flour and a spice/herb mix. Haven’t baked it yet, but it smells amazing already. Might save that for tomorrow’s wind-down.

Didn’t watch anything today — the app updated and wiped all my downloads.
Not mad. It’s a free service. But it definitely left me without my usual background chill-time.

As always, Photos are on Instagram. You can also follow me on Twitter or BlueSky.

Blades, Pumps, and Progress!

Who needs a gym? Built a push mower, scrubbed my bathroom, and got hyped on hardstyle. Oh, and my new water pump is finally here — let there be water!

Slept pretty well thanks to a Xanax, but woke up with sharp neck pain. Ibuprofen to the rescue.
Listening to: Hardstyle Hardcore Album – surprisingly energizing.
Built a push mower today! Yep, a fully mechanical one! No motor, just muscle. It might sound ridiculous given how large my “lawn” area is, and… it kind of is. But it’s perfect for tight walkways and odd corners. Super easy to use and maintain. At $120, even if it only lasts a couple years, it’s still cheaper than hiring someone.
My new, more powerful water pump with a filter arrived! Lack of easy water access has been a challenge, so this is a win.
Cleaned the bathroom and tried out my new vacuum too. Gotta love running water and power!
Caught up on journaling and social media.
Sent out well/pump details to a potential helper – fingers crossed! It’s a simple job for someone with experience, but it’s just enough outside my comfort zone that I’ve been putting it off. I’ll know within 24 hours if they can help. Here’s hoping this one follows through!
Photos on Instagram