Let’s just say, today was a lot.
I’m in survival mode right now. My mental health? Kinda circling the drain. I know exactly why, and no, I don’t have time to deal with it. When you’re the only one picking up the slack, self-care becomes optional … this blog included.
And yeah, I know it’s not healthy to just push through. But sometimes all you can do is put your head down, keep moving, and pay the price later. Self-forgiveness is on hold. Again.
There was a moment that made me laugh, even though it was laced with frustration. I pulled over to let a FedEx truck pass because I couldn’t handle the pressure of being in their way. They were “working.” I was just existing. And I know this is the trauma response talking …putting someone else’s needs and comfort above my own to get a tiny hit of dopamine.
It’s ridiculous. I know why I do it. But today, it felt like a small kindness to myself. And honestly? I’m tired of fighting with my brain over being “too nice” at the moment.
Despite the mess in my head, I actually got a lot done. I tackled the car, emptied it out, sorted what stays in Florida vs. what’s going back North, and managed to beat a torrential rainstorm to stash everything safely.
Back at base, I fed the dogs, cats, horses, and an aggressive cockatiel who says “I love you” and “F**k you” depending on his mood. He dances with me. He also bites. It’s a vibe.
The house cat, usually a little jerk, turned into a clingy lovebug, maybe he’s lonely now that he’s housebound. We cuddled. It was weirdly healing.
Dinner was sad ramen, chili oil and powdered cheese. I’ve eaten worse, but not often.
Then Facebook decided to test me. Some dude, mad that I challenged another man’s misogyny, spammed my photos with vomit emojis and called me fat and disgusting. First off—I’m not. But more importantly? I see right through it. This is what insecure men do when a woman holds up a mirror.
Thankfully, I’ve got PeeWee (their dog) cuddled up behind me tonight. He doesn’t care about trolls or chaos. He’s just here, warm and loyal. And right now, that’s everything.