The Competitor ~ The part of me that thrives in creative tension but sometimes mistakes chaos for productivity.
Keywords:
Conflict • Competition • Friction
Meaning:
The Five of Wands is back for the fourth time this month. Four times! At this point, it’s not a message, it’s an intervention.
This card lives in unresolved tension, competing priorities, scattered energy that hasn’t found its focus yet. Everyone’s swinging, no one’s landing. It’s asking me to get brutally honest about my relationship with conflict. Where is friction actually sharpening me, clarifying what I want, pushing me to be better? And where is it just exhausting theater, struggle for the sake of struggle, chaos that keeps me too busy to actually build anything?
The Five points to the part of me that might be addicted to the fight. That finds friction more real than peace. That uses competition to prove worth instead of just knowing it. This energy isn’t inherently bad. Creative tension can be productive. But when the same card shows up four times in less than three weeks, the question becomes: what am I refusing to learn here?
Connection to Previous Cards:
The Five of Wands appeared on January 8th, 10th, 21st, and now today—the 26th. Four times in eighteen days. That’s not random.
Yesterday’s Six of Cups asked me to look at childhood patterns and what I’m carrying from the past. Today, the Five returns to ask: is my relationship with conflict one of those patterns? Did I learn early that struggle is how I prove I’m worthy? That peace means complacency?
Two days ago, the Queen of Cups appeared for the third time, insisting on emotional sovereignty. The Five of Wands keeps showing up to test whether I’ve actually integrated that lesson. Can I hold my center when chaos erupts, or do I immediately get swept into the fight?
Three days ago, the Emperor reminded me about structure and boundaries. The Five suggests I might be using conflict to avoid actually enforcing those boundaries, fighting instead of simply saying no and walking away.
Actionable Advice:
The Five of Wands appearing four times means I need to fundamentally change my relationship with conflict. This isn’t about managing it better, it’s about examining why I keep creating or seeking it out.
– Look at every instance of conflict in my life right now. Write them all down. Then ask about each one: “Is this sharpening me or just draining me?”
– Commit to stepping back from one fight today. Not resolving it. Not winning it. Just walking away and seeing what happens when I refuse to engage.
– Notice the physical sensation when conflict arises. Where does it live in my body? Does it feel familiar? Like coming home? If so, that’s the pattern.
– Ask myself directly: “Do I feel more legitimate when I’m struggling?” Be honest about the answer. Write it down without judgment.
– Identify one area of my life where I could choose ease instead of difficulty. Then actually choose it. Practice what peace feels like.
Shadow-Side Warning:
The shadow of the Five of Wands appearing four times is that I’m deeply attached to struggle. Watch for the profound realization that I might be manufacturing conflict because friction feels more real, more worthy, more legitimate than ease.
The repetition suggests this isn’t situational, it’s structural. I might have built an entire identity around being the one who fights, who overcomes, who proves herself through difficulty. The trap is using this pattern as proof of strength when it’s actually just exhaustion disguised as virtue.
If I can’t imagine my life without constant friction, if the idea of ease feels suspicious or boring or like giving up, that’s the shadow running the show.
Journal Prompts:
• WATER (emotions, relationships): What did I learn about conflict in childhood that makes me seek it out or perpetuate it in my adult relationships?
• EARTH (grounding, stability): What would my daily life look like if I stopped fighting battles that don’t actually matter?
• FIRE (passion, drive): Am I confusing passion with constant friction, and what would it mean to build something without the struggle?
• AIR (thoughts, communication): What story am I telling myself about why conflict is necessary that might actually just be familiar?
• SHADOW (hidden self, integration): If I stopped struggling, who would I be, and does that possibility scare me more than the exhaustion does?
Personal Journal:
I won’t pretend I don’t know EXACTLY what this card is referring to … It’s an internal conflict with my cPTSD. About a year ago, something happened that while I understand it on a logical, emotional and physical level, it triggered my nervous system that has held my body under ransom, with DEVASTATING physical symptoms.
When I say “Crippling Anxiety” …. I am emphasizing the CRIPPLING part, my body shuts down and goes into a catatonic state for anywhere between 4 hrs and 4 days (Often starvation being what brings me out of it).
As of yet, I have not been able to control the symptoms, despite putting 100’s of hour of therapy, bottles full of medication, exploring every standard and non standard practice … I am still losing many hours and in some cases days to this highly activated threat response. These symptoms are affecting my ability to survive … which adds to the stress … which increases the symptoms.
The conflict I have been in this month is there is a possibility of me implementing an unhealthy coping mechanism, one that has the potential to stabilize my nervous system that could get me back to stable footing enough, so I can at least start working again. Wouldn’t be perfect, but it might let my nervous system stand down long enough to
Unfortunately accessing that unhealthy resource, also comes with risk, and values/ethical dilemmas. Do I accept I have to fix it myself, and risk falling in to ruin? or Do I force a pre agreed arrangement?
That is the conflict.
Guiding Incantation:
Four times she’s come. I hear the message now.
I release the fight. I choose peace without apology.
Struggle is not virtue. Ease is not weakness.
I am worthy without the war. I am enough without the battle.
If you find resonance in these personal tarot-based reflections, you can explore more of my work at www.oldtownwitch.
