May 2025

There were 12 posts published in May 2025 (this is page 1 of 2).

Monday 12th May

  • I definitely sleep much better when I am caring for others.
  • GOM = Grumpy Old Man, this is the term I affectionately use for my friend. He can be grumpy, he is, arguably, old at 82, but he’s also smart, funny, and sharp as a tack … he’s fully independent but moves a little slower than he did when he was 20. I just help out because it’s a big job and goes much more smoothly if two of us work on it. It’s also a way to spend time with my friend before he leaves for the summer.
  • Yesterday got rained off, so I ran over and picked up the GOM’s laundry so I could do that chore done and off the list.
  • His car is empty and cleaned except for his tool area (which doesn’t really need organizing just whatever I find over the next 2 days put away).
  • Today the plan is to go through the camper and collate those items with the car items and get the GOM to decide what stays and what leaves with him.
  • My mental health is improving, everything doesn’t feel as dire as it did two / three days ago. I’m glad I let go of some of the shame I have for allowing myself to lean on the parts of myself that I usually have to monitor so closely. It’s okay for me to get my main source of dopamine for caring about others right now. Especially if I can’t get it from looking after myself … it’s a sort of twisted self care *smile*

  • I need to preface this by saying … it’s not his fault but also Agggggghhhhhggggg!
  • The whole reason I was working as hard as I was, was because GOM had doctors appointments in Chicago. I gave up taking care of my land, my therapy sessions, my self care, to help someone else. Now I made those choices, I can not … fairly hold him responsible for that. Today, I tried to re schedule my appointment but couldn’t so had to cancel in order to get him out Wednesday… and I was so looking forward to finally being able to focus on myself.
  • Well he’s has decided to cancel his Illinois trip, and delay his leaving date. So I’ve been running myself ragged, and I don’t even get my break.
  • It’s so frustrating… i understand why he’s taken the stress off himself… but … I’ve now lost my free time, the reward at the end of the rainbow.
  • I don’t adapt well, especially when I haven’t been taking care of myself.

Sunday Sermon

Sunday Sermon is where I share interesting things I’ve stumbled on during the week—articles, ideas, or moments that made me think. This week’s topic is…

The new wave of feminism

I started thinking about this concept a couple of years ago when his sister said,

“The trick with my brother is to love him just as he is.”

At first, I felt defensive, like I was being accused of not loving him enough.
But the deeper wound?
No one would ever say that to a man about me.

She knew he was difficult.
But instead of expecting more from him, I was being asked to adjust.
To shrink.
To prove myself worthy by loving him through behavior even she wouldn’t excuse.

And I did love him.
Deeply.
I saw his flaws. I held space for them.

He once called me the “sweetest, kindest, most beautiful person he had ever met.”

But no one told him to rise to meet that version of me.

Patriarchy didn’t just protect his comfort, it asked me to lessen who I was to preserve it.

And the saddest part?
I tried.

—

Feminism today isn’t about finding balance within the broken patriarchal system, it’s about walking away from it entirely. We’re not asking men to “let” us stand beside them as equals. We’re tearing that system down at its core, building something better, and inviting them to rise to our level. We don’t want to leave them behind, but we will.

Because women are tired.
We can’t keep waiting while they sit in place.

—

He is brilliant. Sensitive. Deeply intelligent. Self-reflective, even. But he’s also been told that all those things make him “less of a man.”
And until he learns to embrace the pieces he was taught to hate…
He won’t find peace.

And as much as I love him …
I can’t wait anymore for him to start that journey.

Survival Mode, Chaos Birds & Facebook Trolls

Affirmation - Give yourself the recognition you deserve. Let’s just say, today was a lot.

I’m in survival mode right now. My mental health? Kinda circling the drain. I know exactly why, and no, I don’t have time to deal with it. When you’re the only one picking up the slack, self-care becomes optional … this blog included.

And yeah, I know it’s not healthy to just push through. But sometimes all you can do is put your head down, keep moving, and pay the price later. Self-forgiveness is on hold. Again.

There was a moment that made me laugh, even though it was laced with frustration. I pulled over to let a FedEx truck pass because I couldn’t handle the pressure of being in their way. They were “working.” I was just existing. And I know this is the trauma response talking …putting someone else’s needs and comfort above my own to get a tiny hit of dopamine.
It’s ridiculous. I know why I do it. But today, it felt like a small kindness to myself. And honestly? I’m tired of fighting with my brain over being “too nice” at the moment.

Despite the mess in my head, I actually got a lot done. I tackled the car, emptied it out, sorted what stays in Florida vs. what’s going back North, and managed to beat a torrential rainstorm to stash everything safely.

Back at base, I fed the dogs, cats, horses, and an aggressive cockatiel who says “I love you” and “F**k you” depending on his mood. He dances with me. He also bites. It’s a vibe.

The house cat, usually a little jerk, turned into a clingy lovebug, maybe he’s lonely now that he’s housebound. We cuddled. It was weirdly healing.

Dinner was sad ramen, chili oil and powdered cheese. I’ve eaten worse, but not often.

Then Facebook decided to test me. Some dude, mad that I challenged another man’s misogyny, spammed my photos with vomit emojis and called me fat and disgusting. First off—I’m not. But more importantly? I see right through it. This is what insecure men do when a woman holds up a mirror.

Thankfully, I’ve got PeeWee (their dog) cuddled up behind me tonight. He doesn’t care about trolls or chaos. He’s just here, warm and loyal. And right now, that’s everything.

Sleep-Deprived and Spiraling

Affirmation - I grow and bloom at my own pace.I’m not gonna lie, this morning hit hard.

Day two of barely any sleep and I could feel myself unraveling. I was frustrated, emotional, and tired in that way where you can’t even cry… you just sit in it. Sleep is my regulator. When it’s gone, my mood drops like a rock.

The truth? I’ve been neglecting my self-care. Not on purpose, just… there’s no time. People say “you have to make time,” but okay … what should I give up?

  • Getting water?

  • Getting power?

  • Keeping my hard-earned veggie patch alive?

  • Trying to earn something *anything* so I can keep going?

Self-care starts to feel like a luxury when survival eats your schedule.

And when I spiral, I miss him. Not because he was amazing. He wasn’t. But I liked who I was around him. I felt softer. I felt seen sometimes. Not all the time, but enough that I remember it when I’m drowning in to-do lists.

Right now, I’m in full survival mode. One more week of raw-dogging life and then maybe… just maybe… I can get a moment to breathe and reshuffle all this chaos in my head.

There was a win today, though. I made some art. A few hours where my brain quieted down. I even cooked an actual meal—with protein! Which is more than I’ve managed lately.

Note to self: get some protein bars tomorrow. I won’t have time to cook until the GOM (Guest of Mayhem? No, Grumpy Old Man) is gone. [She didn’t get the protein bars]

Tomorrow I’m heading back to the land. The plants need water.
This “favor” I agreed to? It’s costing me more than just fuel.
But… it is what it is.

Why Won’t Sleep Love Me Back?

Affirmation - I am open to new opportunities and experiencesAnother 3:30am start. Again.

This time, it wasn’t anxiety or a loud noise—just my brain deciding, “Nope, we’re awake now.” On the bright side, I did finally get the WordPress app working again. That little tech win actually lifted my spirits.

I moved over to the travel trailer to start packing and writing my checklist. I wanted to hit the road mid-afternoon so I could get to my destination before dark. Spoiler: I didn’t.

In true ADHD fashion (and I say this with love), I got distracted. By a squirrel. Literally. It triggered my security cam and set off the light. No joke, no metaphor—just an actual squirrel doing squirrel things.

Tried to go back to bed. Sleep laughed in my face. I might’ve dozed off for 20 minutes before 7:30am rolled around and I gave up.

The day itself was a blur. I wasn’t in a bad mood, but my body kept dropping random waves of nausea. Fun! I slowed everything down and just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

I finally made it to my new spot at 8:20pm. Didn’t bother with full hookups—just plugged in, cleared some space, grabbed a quick shower… and then? Cocktail time. I cracked open the fruity rum I made weeks ago. It aged perfectly.

The funny part? It felt warmer there even though the temperature was exactly the same. Maybe it’s the anticipation of the next seven days being a lot. Or maybe it’s just my body refusing to cooperate again.

It’s past midnight. I’ve been awake for 20 hours. Still not tired.

When Everything Feels Off

My Personality is unique and wonderfulAnother rough night. Same 3am wake-up, even though I took a Xanax at 10pm thinking it might help me finally get a full night’s sleep. Nope. That disappointing mix of tired and wired is really getting old.

I think the letdown from yet another person flaking on helping with the well hit harder than I expected. You’d think I’d be used to this by now — the “I’ll help!” followed by radio silence. But here we are.

Hard to say whether it’s the sleep deprivation or the constant stream of setbacks dragging my mood down. Probably both. Either way, I didn’t have time to sit in it. I took my meds, cranked up some music, and tried to shake it off.

One upside to being awake so early — I got to test the security cam and lights I repositioned. They mostly worked! The motion sensor needs tweaking, but I left the ladder out, so I’ll adjust it next time I’m over there.

Still, I was off all day. No motivation. Just mentally drained. I know it’s partly because I haven’t had time to be creative lately. That fog creeps in when emotions pile up without somewhere to go. Feels like I’ve got static in my head that blocks everything else.

Another realization hit me too — I have zero body awareness. I’ve got friends who can tell if a supplement is working after a couple days. Others tweak their diets and actually feel the difference. Meanwhile, I’m just like… Is this tired? Anxiety? Hormones? All of the above? It’s like I grew up so focused on other people’s emotions that I never learned to listen to my own body. Even now, it’s hard to connect the dots.

By 3pm, I’d managed to shake the funk a little. Couldn’t do the things I needed to do, but I did manage to install the AC unit — and tested it with the generator. Good news: it works and doesn’t trip anything. So, while I don’t need it yet, at least I know it’s ready.

Bad news: I slammed my thumb in a window during that little win. It hurt. A lot. Definitely woke me up.

As if that wasn’t enough chaos, the app I use to update this blog suddenly stopped connecting to my host. I spiraled a bit — because if you know anything about ADHD, you know our systems are everything. That app was working for me. It helped me stay consistent. Any change to that system = instant brain meltdown.

I panicked. Then I dwelled. Then I caved and contacted support. Turns out, it’s not the app or the host. It’s my ISP (thanks Elon… snorts). At least I figured that out. It’s not a fix yet, but it’s not a total disaster either.

Just when I was finally ready to let the day go, I saw two deer at the end of my driveway. They’d tripped the security light but didn’t seem bothered by me at all. One bounded off as soon as I opened the truck door. The other paused at the tree line and just watched me for a while.

It was kind of magical — like the universe saying, “Hey, today was messy… but here’s this.”

Not the win I wanted. But not the end of the world either.

Potatoes Gone Wild & Disney Before Dawn

Affirmation - You Are Not AloneAnother 3:30am wake-up. Ugh. This time, I tried something different – stayed in bed and threw on a couple of old Disney movies (Jungle Book and Dumbo). It helped a little, but I still don’t know when I drifted off. Maybe around 6? I was back up by 8. A solid 5–6 hours of sleep feels like a mythical goal right now.

So, I’ve made a decision:
No more starting my mornings with the news!


It’s just too bleak and heavy — especially you-know-who talking like people and compassion are optional. That’s not how I want to set the tone for my day. Instead, I’m switching to music in the morning. Let the news wait until mid-morning, after I’ve lifted my mood.

Fire PitToday’s goal?
Tackle those annoying little jobs that keep piling up. The non-urgent-but-bothersome ones. First step: make a list. (Is there anything more satisfying than crossing things off a list?)

I started by breaking down the cardboard boxes lying around and laying them down as a weed barrier with the last of my mulch. I’ll need to grab more next time I’m in town.

Planted more radish seeds today — squeezed the last of my “Cherry Belle” seeds in between the spinach, and put the “Gourmet Blend” in the front half of Bed 3. Fingers crossed for a quick harvest before the Florida heat kicks into high gear.

The potatoes are getting way too enthusiastic — growing fast, as expected since I planted them late. I’m mounding soil around them daily, and I’m already at the top of the beds. Gonna have to get creative with that one…

Not-so-fun stuff:
The ticks are back, and they’re bad. I was hoping to wait and tidy up more before spraying, but looks like I’ll have to break the job into sections and just get on with it.

And speaking of getting on with it — I put up the new security lights at the top of the driveway. Let’s just say… it wasn’t my finest hour. It was hot, the ladder was wobbly, screws kept falling, and my patience was thin. It’s up, it’s not falling, but it’s definitely not winning any beauty contests. Still, I learned what not to do next time!

Picture of the moonLastly, had a guy come by to quote for lawn mowing. It’s $100 a go, every 3–4 weeks. Not cheap, and not ideal for my budget, but honestly… it’s too much for me to handle right now. Even if I had a working mower, it’s a massive job on top of everything else. He seems decent and does a couple of yards nearby, so I’m hopeful he’ll be reliable.

    Stormy Skies, Dull Dates & Dance Parties

    Happy Star Wars Day! (Yes, I said it – May the 4th be with you.)

    Woke up at 3am, just before the storm rolled in. I pottered around for a couple of hours, caught in that weird space where you don’t know if it’s better to be productive or just lie there and try to rest. Today, I went with productive. Hey, at least something got done!

    I finally fell back asleep around 6am and got a couple more hours in.

    First mission of the day? A hot indoor shower. I usually shower outside (off-grid perks), but it was too chilly this morning. So I fired up the generator and enjoyed that sweet warm water. It wasn’t fancy, but it felt like luxury.

    I’m actually loving how the mulch looks on that sandy patch in front of the 5th wheel, especially after the rain. It’s giving the land a bit more structure. Mulch is cheap at Walmart right now, so I’m grabbing more while I’m in town. One bag at a time, this place is slowly coming together.

    The date? Meh. He was nice. But so painfully dull. Zero charisma. No spark. We even split the cheque, which, I don’t mind in theory, but it just gave off “not investing in this” vibes. I like to know that early, so that’s a win. No second date energy here.

    I came home and crashed hard. Peopling is exhausting, especially when you’re forcing the smile.

    BUT! After my nap, I hit a whole new energy level.

    Cranked up my new Bluetooth speaker and had a solo hardstyle dance party. That speaker is honestly one of my favorite mental health tools right now, loud enough to drown out both the outside and inside noise. Total game-changer.

    Got some washing up done, chipped away at the post-move chaos, and remembered (again) how tricky it is to keep a small space clean when you’ve got way too much stuff.

    Low Battery Mode: Burnout, Bullet Journals & a Bit of Mulch

    Today started with a familiar rumble, the big generator ran for around 9 hours on 5 gallons of gas and shut off just before 7:30am, which conveniently became my wake-up call.

    My neck? Way better. Barely a twinge this morning and I think I can skip the painkillers today. Small victories, right?

    But overall… I’m running on empty. No spark. I don’t know if it’s the cloudy skies or just the social drain from yesterday’s people-ing, but I’ve got that weird combination of burnout and apathy humming in the background. Motivation packed its bags and ghosted me.

    So instead of pushing myself, I leaned into one of my comfort rituals: setting up my next bullet journal. It’s technically not due until July 2025, but this kind of prep work calms my mind and fills my cup. Pens, paper, layouts, it’s self-care that doesn’t feel like effort.

    I did putter outside for a bit. Spread mulch over the sandy patch in front of the 5th wheel, nothing fancy, just trying to add structure to the ground over time. Later, I laid cardboard as a weed block and mulched the strip behind the veggie beds. Not urgent jobs, but doing something helped cut through the fog.

    Still no word from the guy helping with the well, my friend’s husband. I hate chasing people when they’re doing me a favor, but that old familiar fear is creeping in: what if he flakes? What if I’ve counted on help that’s not coming? I’m trying not to spiral, but it’s hard not to feel let down by people who overpromise and underdeliver.

    On the dating front, I brought up my concerns with the new guy, about the coffee meet-up idea that rubbed me wrong. To his credit, he responded well. Turns out he had a lunch plan all along, just didn’t communicate it well. I appreciated the honesty, and I’m meeting him tomorrow.

    Still, I’m hesitant. There are lingering feelings from my last relationship, the chaos I tolerated, the peace I sacrificed. I cared about someone who never chose calm, and I ended up blaming myself for their storm. I know I can’t go back there, but part of me still grieves what could never be.

    Eventually, I scrounged up a bit of motivation, found it hiding somewhere between the couch cushions and a craving for closure, and burned some yard trash. At least one small chore done.

    I’ve only got two days left before my next trip. Sunday’s booked, so Monday and Wednesday are it. I’d better start making that prep list… once I remember where I left my brain.